Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Showdown at the Lowes (Scontro di Butteros)

It was a a typical showdown in the old west town of Dallas. I was moseying out of the Lowes general hardware store with a 50 pound bag of mortar, and I looked up into the noon sun. Dabbing my brow, I knew summer was fixin' to be here whether I wanted it or not.

I started out into the open but busy street in front of the store, but a large white wagon lurched forward a bit catching me off guard. A middle aged Victorian lady was moving it forward, seriously, she looked like she could have been a LDS member. I figured she reckoned she could get where she was going fore I was all the way out in the street.

So I squinted and squared off with the wagon showing no fear, but the wagon just stood still like a hungry bobcat stalking a spring foal. The driver's eyes showed cold like death from a cold on a cold day. My foot twitched, then her hand went down to the gearshift... But then I just changed direction and walked around behind her to get to my car.

And not to bore with too much about my yard, but this weekend I proceeded to do some tile layout for the deck. Here it is some pattern layout pre mortar and leveling. Think of this like the paid advertising for the story above. In the afternoon sun the marble sparkles, it's like a monument or something :)


  1. There's nothing like a typical Dallas showdown, standing face to face with an elderly shopper, armed with nothing but a bag of mortar and your razor-sharp wits.

  2. A slam dunk showdown? HA!
    Oh, I like your tiles.

    Um, what is IdellA saying? Maybe it's a declaration of love.

  3. John Wayne said it best "gerroff yer horse an' drink yer milk"

  4. Those tags are brilliant! I have indeed checked out that enormous white deck and am impressed, indeed.

    Victorian/elderly ladies driving cars do tend to be a dangerous breed up north, too.

  5. Hahahaha! Loved this.

    I simply cannot comment on your enormous white deck. I can't stand it. I have to leave before the word vomit happens...

  6. Hahaha... perhaps she was late picking up kid #24 from preschool? Way to take the high road Eric! Not that your bag of mortar wasn't weighing heavy on your decision or anything.. but really, who has time for some childish tirade from a middleaged renegade anyway, right? Is this the kind of thing I have to look foreward to next July when I come to Dallas? Ahhh I shall keep my Nikon handy at all times!
    The deck looks great.. love seeing the progress!

  7. Was it one of the ladies off 'Big Love'?!

    That tile looks slippery.

  8. Pretty tiles!

    Also, I am an expert at the Pedestrian Death Glare when cars are trying to run me over.

  9. Wow. Your white deck IS enormous. Jealous am I.

    Were either you or the old lady munching on a grass root? Just curious.

  10. lowes, pffft. i made a whole garden on my patio this weekend which totally beats your "deck." I WIN! also, i like the fact that you have a pool. you win at pools. *sigh*

  11. Them little old ladys are never so sweet that you can disreguard them. LOL! They can be me and pushy! I actually got hit by what appeared to be a sweet old lady. Did she say she was sorry, heck no!

    Love the layout for the deck.

  12. Things that I love:

    Men who say "fixin'".

  13. I can't even begin to tell you how disappointed I was that you didn't spit into a spitoon with a "p-ting" at some point in your narrative!

    Oh well!

    You give good tile though.

  14. And that, dear boy, is how the West was tiled.

  15. Mo,
    I've always said with a bag of mortar and some diamond tools, the world is truly your oyster.

    Dutch Donut Girl,
    Old west showdown! ;)
    Thanks, and IdellA's affection was lost on me as I can't read Mandarin.

    John Wayne was a real cowboy for sure.

    Haha, glad it was impressive. I mean, it's no Washington Monument or anything, but still.

    Thanks, yes, I'll bet you could think of a few choice comments.

    Yes, she was an oddball. Oh that's right the CP convention is in Dallas this year!
    Thanks, I think the deck will look even neater when the marble mosaics are in place.

    In retrospect, she did look like a less attractive blonde Melora Walters.

    Soda and Candy,
    Thanks, I just hope I can get them all perfectly level during mortaring this weekend.
    Ah, the good old pedestrian death glare...

    It will be a proper first century palace by the time I'm through with it all.
    The old timer with the scatter gun in the second floor curtained window next to the Lowes sign was chewing one.

    How *does* your garden grow? Yes, a garden beats a deck, what?
    You don't need a pool what with your trips to TF, OK.

    I still maintain the best assassins would be little old ladies driving SUVs.

    Haha, FIX'un...

    Girl Interrupted,
    I'll try to work that in. I had no idea about the spitoon fetish you have there. ;)
    Um, is brass or tin better?

    Everyday Goddess,
    Indeed... :)

  16. Ha ha! LDS Church member! So funny to me here in Utah.

  17. Aw,that's nothing! Try facing off against a pack of old ladies with canes/on mobility scooters all determined to get the last blueberry muffin at a Bob's Big Boy Brunch Buffet.

    That picture does resemble a lovely monument of some kind. Maybe to Bacchus, god of wine and good times? Your pool ought to be a great place to "sacrifice" a few cold drinks in his honor every weekend. Hey, that would be a church service I could get into!

  18. Cheeseboy,
    Wait are you serious, or was that sarcasm?

    I like your ideas there, ooh ohh ohh, wine could be served in church. I'll bet that hasn't been done befo... oh wait. yeah.