Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Artist Statement (Esposizione di Artista)

I was considering a recent question posed in a secret society website of mosaic artists of which I'm a member. The question was about the kind of typical marketing blurb you read when you go to a gallery and read about an artist whose work you are considering buying, and what if anything should be in it.

Many times, the artists throw in technical jargon that the average gallery patron won't understand. They also spend too much time comparing themselves to other artists that are maybe known a bit better. Or maybe they are a bit timid and don't sell / represent themselves well enough.

I thought I would put together a comprehensive artist statement to guide my own works; as much as to set goals and expectations as to advertise the quality of my works. I didn't want the statement to be flawed in any of the ways listed above.

So tell me what you think of my first draft here of an 'artist statement': (the mosaic group seemed to think it was spot on)

I strive to use all available methodologies and technologies of art to make unparalleled creations which will appeal to the very widest range of viewers imaginable. Even technologies that do not exist yet are effortlessly applied in the most creative manner possible with perfect efficiency of form and design. This will allow for the most lucarative and prestigious placements of my works, furthering my schemes of ubiquitous placement, licensing, and spinoffs / derivative works meticulously copied by slavish followers and carried forward for all of time.
In many cases, entire histories of civilizations will be rewritten to accomodate the grandness of my works. People will weep openly upon observing these unique creations, and other master artists will be obsessively plagued with burning questions such as 'Why couldn't I have made that?' The ultimate goal of the art is, of course, total world domination and complete mastery of everything and everyone throughout eternity.


  1. Finally a mission statement I can get behind. World domination is what separates amateurs from the masters. Not only did Da Vinci invent the helicopter, he also had a prototype for the underground lair disguised as a volcano. Good work.

  2. Wait, wait, wait. Step back. There's a SECRET SOCIETY OF MOSAIC ARTISTS? And it's SECRET? But you just told us about it. And I'm going to tell everyone. So they better change their name to "The Society Everyone Knows About For Mosaic Artists".

    One of my ambitions is to buy a gigantic wall mirror and sculpt an eleborate mosaic frame around it in an asymetrical swirly shape. And one day I might do it.

  3. Can you let me into the secret society? I won't tell anyone and in all honesty, I could make a mosaic if I wanted too, it just wouldn't be, um, wouldn't be as good as yours.

  4. This is very similar to the statement Jesus would make about me, no doubt.

  5. Although the first half was like gibberish to me...the second half was quite enjoyable.

    If describing the piece above, if one were to say "it is an ode to the angel on my childhood christmas tree", I would buy it in a heartbeat.

  6. My, my - clever and ambitious. To be honest, though, I think my decision on purchasing one of your pieces would largely depend on how I'm feeling that day if I read a statement like that.

  7. Is the society still secret if you just told us all about it??

    LOVE IT: In many cases, entire histories of civilizations will be rewritten to accomodate the grandness of my works.

  8. Why so humble? :) :) :)

    "People will weep openly upon observing these unique creations".
    I can't wait to see these unique creations. Oh dear, pass me a tissue.

    Make creations, conquer the world!

  9. Modest, unassuming, and very much in tune with the spirit of the present age - I love it!

  10. LOL! Total world domination! You are too funny.

  11. A secret society website? So passwords to get in instead of the super cool super secret handshake?

    I don't approve of where this is going.

  12. Pithy, to the point, and with a message even the layperson can understand.

    Looking forward to a beatifully mosaicked planet when you're the ultimate dictator of the world.

  13. I have a feeling you are in big trouble with the now not so secret society of which you speak...better pander to them with a little sacrificial mosaic and some electric guitar.

  14. Chaka,
    I totally forgot about the volcano lair, I heard he scratched that out in the room he rented in Chapel Medici.

    Vegetable Assassin,
    I really want to see that asymetrical swirly mosaic when you are done! I might even try to get the secret society to accept you if it is up to their standards, which judging by your painting, it should be.

    Let's see the mosaic work and then we'll talk about secret society membership. They have eyes and ears everywhere...
    *nods knowingly*

    I saw Jesus the other day, he didn't say that about you, but I guess I couldn't hear him over the leaf blower he was using on the Kopekney's lawn.

    Much is ode to our childhood Christmas trees.

    It was kind of a joke. Kind of.

    Hehe, that was my favorite part too.

    Dutch Donut Girl,
    :) You know it!

    I like to think that Salvador Dali might have made a statement like this if he were still alive today.

    Thanks! :)

    It's all very hush hush, but once you are in it's easy. I mean I think, unless they change my password or something.

    The Jules,
    Uniters of stone and glass shards unite!
    And all of the tiers of shoelaces untie!

    Jenny Mac,
    They do in fact have people monitoring the site as we speak. Hmmm, I don't think the world needs more of *my* guitar playing. Maybe a mosaic...